This blogpost is directed to YOU, to Trixie, Dominic, and practically to everyone, so I kinda’ wasted my time there.
If you hate drama, or hate guys who write in blogs and dramatize like it’s the end of the world, Better go away. I can’t have you vomiting in my floor.
Still there? great. To your left is Berlin Wall, which kept West Berlin secluded from the rest of Berlin (and East Germany) for some 29 years.The whitewashed side is the Communist, eastern side, while the graffiti-infested side is on the West Berlin, or Federal, side.
This wall kept East Germans from fleeing into West Berlin during most of the Cold War time. What the East Berliners and East Germans see was the stability of the West German city, as they only see rooftops and progress from that level on the other side of the wall. They yearned to see their German brothers on the other side of the wall, and mostly experience West German progress.
However, they know not of one thing: They don’t see what was painted on the other side of the Wall. Well, what the other side of the wall was was the same yearning of the West Berliners to their East German counterparts. They painted symbols of peace and desires of unification on their side of the wall. Probably these were messages for the East, but they never got there. The wall was for prevention, of East German exodus into the West, but it did prevent West German yearnings to cross, too. The wall achieved its purpose.
To your right is the fall of the Berlin Wall. There’s not much to say. It fell. the two Germanies were united as one country as we know today.
Well why am I telling old Cold War history?
Now I’m talking about this because tonight, my Berlin Wall falls down.
When I was a kid, I was an honor student. I was an honor student since I first entered school. Well, I have to. I always thought that being an awardee is the only proper thing to do as a kid. I succumbed to my parents’ strict regulations, which actually turned out to be good for me. It was all good until the first time I stopped being an honor student.
For the first 8 or so years of my life, I was an achiever, minding nothing but studying. and losing it for the very first time was new to me. Unfortunately, no one was there to tell me “it’s all right” — that being an awardee is not everything life has to offer. After all, I believe Mom and Dad wouldn’t give me stuff if I stopped becoming an achiever, so, while being addicted to rock music and all those sorts of things, I chose to pursue my academics — or if I can’t, at least I still need to show the world that I am the same, smart guy they knew. I also believed, all the time, that I would never even be recognized if I don’t get good grades. I don’t know when I became as shallow as that, but that’s what pushed me to soak up everything I know. I read many articles on the internet, I finished many volumes in our encyclopedia set and did most other things just to soak up knowledge. I believed it was everything.
Perhaps it was wrong, because those were the times I started losing faith on myself…
…yet I did not invest in self-confidence. I invested in knowledge, in knowing, and in learning. I learned the things many people don’t know. I learned even extra bits, mini-trivia, and even what car does the Queen own, but I didn’t learn what many people did: believe in themselves.
I realized that by this time, the wall was building up. I looked fearless and smart, but inside I was full of fear. But who cares, no one sees right through me. What’s important is that they see me as a strong, reliable person. Then they’ll be my friends, and I’m the smart guy I used to be.
I then started becoming known to my classmates because whenever they needed my help, I was always there. I was “Good Guy Gab” to everyone when it comes to everything — I even do their favors first before doing my own assignments. It was good for them…
…I realized, I need their help, too. BUT NO.
“I can’t ask help from others. They’ll think I’m weak and they won’t need me anymore. What I had to do is to become more knowledgeable and wise on things”.
The strongest part of my wall were its foundations, and it’s starting to surpass my wall of knowledge in height, breadth, and length. I learned not to ask help from those who are asking help from me. I had to be strong for them, not a weakling who needs nurturing, caring, and rearing.
Thanks, wall. You are completely built up. You can shield me now.
Then I was living happily, because no one could see right through me. Every time I have to feel sad I’ll just run inside my walls, then they won’t see what’s going on… Well they would see the outside: Happy, charming, smiling, ready to help Gabby.
I then entered college, and the wall is effective. Every time someone asks:
Okay ka lang, Gabby?
and I would say
Oo, okay lang ako.
they would scurry away, thinking I was okay. Well inside my walls I might not be, but what’s important is my image. And maybe I’ll learn to be okay, too. And, usually, I do get better. I do feel fine over time. I just need to shut myself inside my Berlin Wall, and there. I’ll be fine on my own. It’s lonely that no one could see right through my walls, but at least my fragile weakness is kept hidden deep inside, healing on its own as it gets wounded.
This wall would continue to protect me until that day I met You… again.
(DISCLAIMER: What YOU will read here is the truth.)
I met YOU… again. Yes. We’re Third Year now. and we’ve never been this closer. Well, I like YOU. And I think YOU know that. What I can’t believe is that I am liking someone who used to be, I believe, me. Someone… as smart and as intelligent as YOU are.
YOU were the only one strong enough to smash my walls.
Too surprising? Well yeah YOU didn’t actually do anything. Just the way that I am with YOU breaks it little by little, and when YOU achieve great heights do you do it in large, wrecking-ball pieces. Whatever. For the first time in my life did someone break my walls this intensely.
I will be honest that even if we made a deal to stop comparing and just do our best, It sometimes still occurs to me why YOU are better than me. Those were the times my walls break so tremendously…
…and for some reason I can’t grow to hate YOU for breaking parts of my Berlin Wall. In fact I came to even liking what YOU do. Never was someone strong enough to do this to me. Apparently you did make me realize a lot of things. Along with other friends, YOU made me realize how… no. its time to get real.
And now, I bring in the bulldozers from East Germany.
I don’t believe in myself. I don’t know why but I don’t think I am capable of doing anything excellent, magnificent and noteworthy. I have very low or no self-confidence at all, but that’s not what it seems because through the years, my defenses were capable of hiding it. Hell I’ve once ran a student government like this, and I lived my life like this, and I’ve accepted these walls as a part of who I am.
Now as I tear them down before you, I want those who will laugh at me to just scurry away and get a life. Those who will just come to me out of pity, still scurry away. I need true ones here.
I admit I can’t do all things on my own.
I admit I don’t know every single thing.