Today, I write about love. Since it’s been a while since I last wrote about love, I want to feel how good it touches the soul every time I write words that talk about love.
Many times, I fooled myself about love not having to be a magical thing. I told myself many reasons why I was having a writer’s block when it comes to writing about love. I tried to fool myself that love isn’t really about magical stories or wonderful, enchanting moments with sparkling tears from each other’s eyes. I really believed that love, no matter how boring or lifeless, is something of a wheel, with ups and downs–happy and sad moments alike–and one can do nothing but stay on with it, lest it’s not love. It would never be love once you get off the hook.
It never occurred to me that life was indeed such a jerk, and so is love. I understand very well that life is confusing, and so is love. But I never thought that love was this confusing.
I took her for granted. Many days, I did. Most days, in fact. I just let the days pass wishing I could just get more and more sleep. I don’t know, but many days–not most, but still significant a number–I still am somewhat not finding the magic anymore. In our first year, I reckon the magic was actually there. It’s like love is really in the air, or so the cliche goes. I don’t need to look for it anymore. These past few days, it wasn’t like that anymore. These days, life seemed to be draining out of me. It was repetitive. She’ll baby-talk once she comes home. We’ll eat dinner and fall asleep. After dealing with a lot of people (which I don’t really find appealing–I’m an introvert and a natural loner) throughout the day, I’d have to deal with her when all I had was energy slowly draining out of me for all the reasons I can’t judge if right or wrong.
I like being alone. I like sleeping alone sometimes, too, especially when the day is too tiring (from talking and keeping up with all the obligatory socialization this world requires to be treated normal), and I’d really thought she’d understand.
Most times, she did.
But those times were mostly covers. She didn’t understand.
From time to time, she would jokingly tell me that she misses me. Those times, I seriously did not understand what she means, given that we live pretty close to each other.
Our relationship got more and more routine each day, like some choreography of sorts. I still somehow believe it wasn’t like that at all — that’s just what it seemed from my perspective.
In our almost two years of being together, The magic of our love started draining away, and what started as a dreamy, mature-ish relationship suddenly was melting away, until in my eyes–I emphasize “in my eyes” here because this is from my perspective–we were just a mere collection of people.
That was until I woke up one day, watching this film called About Time. It was about this man who can travel back to the events of his life (really good movie by the way. Watch it). He kept coming back in time whenever he wanted, either to change something or to help someone or maybe to just relive some moments.
Upon reaching the ending (and in a sudden eureka moment to the connections in what I have watched), these quotes appeared:
I just try to live every day as if I’ve deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.
We’re all traveling through time together, every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride.
I noticed how he used the word relish.
I realized that it was definitely not her who was lacking. It was definitely not our relationship, either.
In the end, it was me. It was I who was lacking.
Everything was, and still is, perfect. She was perfect and she still is.Our relationship was at a standstill, yes, but it is definitely still a healthy one. As far as I know, we are still not throwing dishes on each other, nor have we trashed each other’s bed or most loved possessions. We fight, yes, but we never fought over complicated things, and we try to solve it as fast as we can.
Maybe I just hate having her around my room for the same reasons as above, but who can blame her? I was taking her for granted.
It was me. I lacked appreciation. I lacked relishing every moment. I deeply regret lacking such appreciation, given that all these past low points in our relationship, deep inside, I knew I love her. So much. I love her to madness and it pains me to see every time she cries when I reject her just because I wanted to be alone sometimes. Or because I lack effort or appreciation of the things around me, or of the things she does for me or the very fact that she is in love with me for two years now, despite the fact that I am virtually letting her alone, and also me having nothing to offer her but my love and loyalty.
I regret having told her that I am underappreciated, because now, it doesn’t seem that was anymore. I can only imagine.
It was I. It was all my fault. Everything was, and still is, working. It’s just that the other half of the relationship doesn’t see it that way.
But it’s never too late.
Today, I learned the following things:
- Love is magical, as I earlier believed. It was not the magic of fairy tales or the magic of teary eyes. It’s the magic of appreciation, because no matter how beautiful something or someone is, if it would not be of use to anyone, then such beauty is futile.Beauty can only be sensed through appreciation, and our love is as beautiful as whatever Shakespeare said of Romeo and Juliet’s love, only that we don’t need to drink poison to show it to the world. I can only imagine that all I needed to do was look around; Look at her; and look at her again the way I saw her yesterday.
- Love can only be boring if we let it be. Our happiness in life–in love–as well as the magic of love can only be as happy as how much dedication we put on it. All I needed to do was not be too confident. In fact, no one ever could.
After watching the movie, we went down to get some milk. I gave her a tight hug, and, as the elevator doors closed, I kissed her on the forehead so firmly, so tight. That was the only thing I could actually do to reassure her that my heart is still hers, and that I will love her as if each day was a fresh, new start.
I was smiling the moment I held her hand. I knew these hands belong only to her, and her alone. I knew it all along. I just don’t know how to show it to her, but I can only reassure her a thousand times over that my love is hers.
The movie was life changing. It taught me how real people–mature people–love.
I can only surmise that love is way, way more than routine “commitment”.
I can only laugh when they say that love is all about “communication”.
Those who think of love as “deep and sweet affection” are kids. I’ll laugh at them too.
I can laugh at them all, because today, I learned that love is appreciation. Love is an appreciation of the fact that you have someone in life. Someone to talk to, someone who knows your deepest secrets and still feel safe about it, and someone who admires you for who you are.
There might be routine things in love as normal commitments would. Of course, there’s affection in love. Communication should never be lost in love.
But these are not the definitions of love. For love is the main ingredient that makes these things magical, dreamy, and sweet. And this is the beauty of love that needs to be appreciated. More than anything else.
I can only contain these thoughts with a smile on my face, as I knew we’re approaching a new chapter in our relationship by heading to the convenience store to buy milk on a Saturday midnight. And for the rest of the mid-nights.
Advanced happy anniversary.
P.S. I know, this can’t wait. I’m sorry but no worries for this is not your anniversary gift. 😉